simply complex

What About Me?

Taylor — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 06:30:30 +0000

What about me, Lord? When is it my turn?

I’ve noticed myself asking God those questions quite a bit lately. It seems like this is the time of year when everything falls into place for everybody… except me. When will my family not have to struggle with money? When will I know exactly what to do with my life? When will a man finally see me as something more than a friend, more than cute, more than some silly girl with a big smile, but as the most beautiful thing he’s ever lain eyes on, pursue me, and want to build a relationship I’ve always dreamed of?

Yes, I’m happy for all my friends who are blessed with financial stability, a set career path, a “soul mate” or a significant other at the moment. But when will I have that? When will I not have to fight for it?

I listened to a podcast a week ago from The Village Church. The speaker (not Matt Chandler, in case you were wondering) said it is impossible to truly be happy for someone’s success when you covet what they’ve gained. I never truly understood what it mean to covet after your neighbors possessions, and why it was so looked down upon* until I entered this season of my life.

The man preaching in the podcast also stated that “contentment is the direct fruit of having no higher ambition than to belong to the Lord at His disposal”. I think it is no coincidence that when I am less diligent about spending time with the Lord and seek Him less, I try to find contentment in earthly things and, as a result, find failure, insecurity, and doubt. When I focus less on His desires for my life, I tend to focus more on how other people or circumstances could make my life better. When I don’t put all my effort into falling in love with Christ every single day, I begin to romanticize earthly relationships and yearn for earthly things (mostly a man) to fill the God-shaped hole in my heart.

But only God can fill that hole.

I am an imperfect, disgusting, despicable failure of a human being. Yet He still loves me. He still wants me. He still sacrificed His Son for me. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me less. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more.

I am so unworthy but so incredibly and indescribably grateful that He will never give up on me. Never.

*I definitely do not mean to belittle or take lightly the Commandment that states not to covet thy neighbor’s goods. I simply said it that way for lack of better wording.

Doors Have Been Opened

Taylor — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 06:59:04 +0000

I can’t get over how awesome God is. He is at work in my life and in those around me and I am SO EXCITED.

I can’t wait to tell you all about what opportunities have been handed to me. It’s all I can think about. It’s always on the tip of my tongue and it’s all I want to talk about. But I want to go about talking about it in the right way. I want to pray about it fervently. I want to research it until I know everything about it. I want to sort out my words so that I am not misunderstood in my desires, intentions, and thoughts. And I kind of want to set up a new blog devoted to this opportunity.

So, dear friends, (I felt like Beth Moore as I typed that), expect a new blog soon. I’m super excited about it.

Feelings

Taylor — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 04:06:16 +0000

How great is it that our walks with Christ aren’t based on feelings?

Sometimes we feel disconnected. Sometimes we feel abandoned. But that doesn’t mean God isn’t with us.

Sometimes we feel happy and content in the Lord. But happiness is fleeting. True joy in the Lord is everlasting!

One day our lives feel bright and the next day we wake up and our lives feel dark.

We are an emotional people. We are always changing. We are inconsistent.

Our feelings are always dictating our lives.

But my relationship with Christ is not based on a feeling. Although I may feel like my life is rough, and I may feel deserted, and I may feel ruined, Christ still died for me! He still gave up His life so that I may live! My life is blessed, surrounded by God’s love and grace, and I have been made clean by the blood shed for me!

We are inconsistent.
The Lord never changes. He never falters. He stays the same through the ages. He is the ONE thing that will always remain.

Thank You, Lord, for Your consistency.

Ramblings

Taylor — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 00:50:49 +0000

Things have been hectic lately. I’m pretty sure I’m getting overwhelmed by life because I’m not fully diving into the Word and focusing solely on the Lord and his desires. I’m getting caught up in my own problems and worries and thinking less about Christ and more about myself. I know how to fix this. So why can’t I? Why do I keep pushing my quiet times aside in order to “get more stuff done”?

Today one of my friends gave me a ride home after class because I didn’t want to walk in the cold. And when we got to his car, he came to the passenger side and opened the door for me. I stood there stunned for a second. “I can’t believe you did that,” I said. “I don’t think any guy’s ever done that for me.” He looked a little bewildered, shrugged, and said something along the lines of “That’s how it’s supposed to be.” There is hope! There are still gentlemen out there! Chivalry is not dead!

I was really hoping to spend the summer abroad in the mission field. I’ve been praying about it for months. I thought that’s where God was leading me. I told my dad I wanted to spend my summer in another country, and he is REALLY against it. I know that if it all worked out, my dad wouldn’t completely put his foot down and forbid it. But I would be uneasy the whole summer knowing that I was doing something of which he didn’t approve. BUT he gave me is “blessing” to go on a week to 2 week trip over spring break and/or summer. So maybe that’s what the Lord has planned for me? I’m so glad He’s in control and not me. And I’m also blown away by my father and my Father’s love for me. It is something I will truly never understand. It brings me to tears just thinking about it.

“He doesn’t seek, he finds.”

Taylor — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 05:19:42 +0000

On the drive home from Bible study today, I saw a billboard that really got me thinking. It said “He doesn’t seek, he finds.” I honestly don’t know what the ad was for, but that phrase hit me in a couple of ways.

Firstly, the verse Jeremiah 29:13 (“You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.”) popped into my head. It made me evaluate how I’ve been living lately. Yes, I’ve been in the best place spiritually I’ve ever been in. But has my sole focus been on the Lord? Am I getting so caught up in living that I’m once again pushing the One who gave me Life to the back burner, as I’ve so often done in the past? Am I truly seeking after God’s heart? Or am I just going to the Lord when I need or want something that’s “out of my control,” and then trying to take things back into my own hands once things calm down? I sincerely and truly want my desires to be the desires of the Lord. I wish my thoughts wouldn’t get so clouded with earthly, materialistic, non-eternal things. But, alas, I’m human. I am not perfect. Thankfully Jesus is. And His blood makes up for my failures.

Secondly, that phrase made me realize just how sad and lazy we are as a society. “He doesn’t seek, he finds.” We celebrate brevity. We want immediacy. We are impatient. We want all of the results but none of the labor. We only want to find things, but we don’t want to look for them. You can’t plant a seed and expect the shade of a tree as soon as it is covered with dirt. The seed must be watered. It must be nurtured. When properly cared for, that seed will turn into a seedling. And with more time and sunlight and rain and protection, it will eventually and slowly become a tree. But it takes years of patience before that little seed can grow leaves and branches and provide fruit, shelter, and shade. We have to work for our fruit. We have to wait for it.

Psalm 121

Taylor — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 01:29:34 +0000

I lift my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;
the Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

How blessed am I that the Lord is my keeper? That the King of all Kings is my Father. That my Counselor is always there to listen. That my Protector is always watching over me. That my Shelter does not falter. I am certainly blessed, indeed!

I absolutely love Psalms. Each time I read them, something new speaks to me.

God Is Doing Great Things!

Taylor — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 04:20:50 +0000

Lately I’ve been into journaling, and less into blogging. I know it’s basically the same thing, but I’m just really liking writing things by hand. I love the look of cursive lining the pages of my journal. I love the feeling of the paper under my hand. It’s much more personal. Right now I’m only writing in a prayer journal, but I’m thinking about getting another one that’s more along the lines of just… random thoughts I have. Which basically end up being my prayers, but I feel like they need two separate locations. We’ll see. I have to find just the right journal.

I joined the Christian sorority on campus – Sigma Phi Lambda (or “Phi Lamb”). It’s a completely new experience. I’ve always been anti-sorority, but now that I’m in one, I love it. It’s great having a community of Christian girls that I know I can lean on.

We had a Hoedown last week, and it’s a traditions to have a Pledge give her testimony. For some reason unknown to me, I volunteered to give my testimony. I HATE speaking in public. I avoid even answering questions in my discussion classes because I don’t like bringing attention to myself. Well, it was obviously a God-thang. There were times where I felt like Moses begging God to let someone else do the speaking for me, but I am SO glad that I did it. In preparing my testimony, I fell more in love with Christ. I found more joy and hope in the Lord. I saw more of His character. And I was able to share God’s love and the story of how He changed my life with so many people at once! I am so grateful for the opportunity.

I LOVE my job. I love working in a church. I love my bosses. I love their kids. I love the kids in my classroom. I love sharing Jesus with them. I love everything about it. I wish I could work more than 15 hours a week. I wish I could do this for the rest of my life. And maybe I will! Who knows what lies ahead!

For the first time in my life, I am completely okay with not knowing what the future holds, and completely at peace with the fact that a husband and family may not be in store for me. Yes, I still hope for a husband, but I’m not focused on it. And if God’s plan for my life is for me to be single, I don’t want a husband! I want the life that glorifies the Lord the most. And if that means living a life without a man, then that’s what I want! And I couldn’t be more excited about it! That would mean I could devote my WHOLE life, every FIBER of my being to Christ.

God is doing great things!

Dear Blog,

Taylor — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 16:07:10 +0000

I’m sorry for neglecting you. It’s not that I don’t want to update you. It’s not that I like my dancing blog more (okay… maybe I do like it a little more). It’s not that I don’t have anything to write for you. Life has been absolutely hectic lately! I do have lists written down somewhere in my house of topics I want to blog about. I just need to find the lists, compile them, and find some time.

I started my new job a few weeks ago. I feel like an adult! I’m either in classes or working all day every day from 9 am – 6pm. I love it. It’s exhausting though. I get home and I just want to sleep. But no, I can’t sleep. Because I have other activities to do every evening. I just started going to a new Bible study on Monday nights. It’s Beth Moore! I’ve never done one of her studies and I’m SO excited. I also have yoga (which I have yet to go to.. I’ll start going this week!) on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And also on Tuesdays I have LifeStream (the college service thing at Journey). And Wednesday nights I have a class. So.. basically I thought I would have TONS of free time this semester. But I don’t! And I love it! It does get a little overwhelming at times, but nothing I can’t handle!

Well, blog, I promise I’ll show you a little more love once I find some time to do so. But right now I have to tend to the dishes, laundry, house cleaning, and grocery shopping I’ve also been neglecting for a few weeks.

Newest Obsessions

Taylor — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 21:33:17 +0000

Makeup
Lounge Pants
Pinterest
Hammocks

Things I’ve Learned From Living Alone

Taylor — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 19:43:43 +0000

I use A LOT of dishes. I never realized quite how many dishes I use until I was the ONLY one using them and the only one cleaning them. The sink fills up mighty fast. It’s like the dishes breed and multiply overnight. However, the benefit of living alone is that I always know when the dishes in the dishwasher are clean or dirty. And if I want to, I can keep the clean dishes in the dishwasher for a week!
My body forms habits very quickly – especially the habit of stepping over items that I leave in the middle of the floor. I’ve been using my toolbox quite a bit lately, and the last place I opened it was literally in the middle of the walkway between the dining room and the living room, so I just left it there for easy access for about a week. I haven’t had a problem tripping over it (or anything else left in the middle of the floor). But when I had a couple of friends drop by unexpectedly, they tripped over it!
The trash gets stinkier quicker. And by stinkier, I mean STANKIER. I don’t really generate a lot of trash on my own, so I don’t have to take the trash out quite as often. So the garbage can starts to emit gross smells since it’s just sitting there for a week at a time. I really only fill up about one bag a week! I guess I’m saving the planet in my own little way.
I REALLY miss having a guy around (or a brave woman) to kill big bugs. ESPECIALLY cockroaches. In the past week I’ve had a huge screeching cicada fly into my kitchen and haunt me, and at least one cockroach (possibly two… I can’t decide if it was just one, quick moving, sneaky roach, or if they’re friends playing mind tricks on me) in my house. On the first account I had to have a WONDERFUL friend, Josh, come and save me and get it out of the house. And on the second account, I freaked out for a good twenty minutes and had to throw a shoe at the roach to kill it. And then had my other WONDERFUL friend, Max, come and dispose of the body. I love my guy friends that are willing to help my poor little soul out, but it sure was nice when I had a boyfriend/brother/Dad/Mom/roommate on hand.
I don’t like wearing pants if I don’t need to. ‘Nuff said.