December 29, 2011
What About Me?
What about me, Lord? When is it my turn?
I’ve noticed myself asking God those questions quite a bit lately. It seems like this is the time of year when everything falls into place for everybody… except me. When will my family not have to struggle with money? When will I know exactly what to do with my life? When will a man finally see me as something more than a friend, more than cute, more than some silly girl with a big smile, but as the most beautiful thing he’s ever lain eyes on, pursue me, and want to build a relationship I’ve always dreamed of?
Yes, I’m happy for all my friends who are blessed with financial stability, a set career path, a “soul mate” or a significant other at the moment. But when will I have that? When will I not have to fight for it?
I listened to a podcast a week ago from The Village Church. The speaker (not Matt Chandler, in case you were wondering) said it is impossible to truly be happy for someone’s success when you covet what they’ve gained. I never truly understood what it mean to covet after your neighbors possessions, and why it was so looked down upon* until I entered this season of my life.
The man preaching in the podcast also stated that “contentment is the direct fruit of having no higher ambition than to belong to the Lord at His disposal”. I think it is no coincidence that when I am less diligent about spending time with the Lord and seek Him less, I try to find contentment in earthly things and, as a result, find failure, insecurity, and doubt. When I focus less on His desires for my life, I tend to focus more on how other people or circumstances could make my life better. When I don’t put all my effort into falling in love with Christ every single day, I begin to romanticize earthly relationships and yearn for earthly things (mostly a man) to fill the God-shaped hole in my heart.
But only God can fill that hole.
I am an imperfect, disgusting, despicable failure of a human being. Yet He still loves me. He still wants me. He still sacrificed His Son for me. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me less. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more.
I am so unworthy but so incredibly and indescribably grateful that He will never give up on me. Never.
*I definitely do not mean to belittle or take lightly the Commandment that states not to covet thy neighbor’s goods. I simply said it that way for lack of better wording.
molly said,
December 29, 2011 at 9:57 am
this is an amazing lesson to learn, I’m still learning it!! Because even after some of those things fall into place it’s, why can’t we have children, or why are our finances hard, or why did God bring me to this city? Haha the questions, I’ve found, can pretty much never end. But God is looking for those who will be content in him no matter the situation! Thanks for this encouraging post! We should talk soon :)
Taylor said,
December 29, 2011 at 10:32 am
We should DEFINITELY talk soon!
Riley Sheehan said,
December 30, 2011 at 12:59 pm
Taylor, you are EXACTLY where you should be. In some of our moments where we feel the most weak and the most in need are the moments we most see God for who he truly is. I am SO proud to call you my friend.
Having good things (a lot of money, that perfect guy, knowledge of life direction) can be awesome, but so often God might be teaching us a lesson in abiding in him and finding joy in him when things don’t seem to go exactly right. Don’t worry… keep trusting the Lord. Romans 8:28 has been especially special to me in times like this.
Remember, God LOVES you. He loves you SO much. He loves you and chose you because he wanted you to have your ultimate joy in Him. He wants to give you peace and joy when you worship and abide in His truth. You can have that peace of joy, and he offers it to you freely because of what He did for you on the Cross.
You are such a great gal and I love reading these posts! For realsies!