December 29, 2011
What About Me?
What about me, Lord? When is it my turn?
I’ve noticed myself asking God those questions quite a bit lately. It seems like this is the time of year when everything falls into place for everybody… except me. When will my family not have to struggle with money? When will I know exactly what to do with my life? When will a man finally see me as something more than a friend, more than cute, more than some silly girl with a big smile, but as the most beautiful thing he’s ever lain eyes on, pursue me, and want to build a relationship I’ve always dreamed of?
Yes, I’m happy for all my friends who are blessed with financial stability, a set career path, a “soul mate” or a significant other at the moment. But when will I have that? When will I not have to fight for it?
I listened to a podcast a week ago from The Village Church. The speaker (not Matt Chandler, in case you were wondering) said it is impossible to truly be happy for someone’s success when you covet what they’ve gained. I never truly understood what it mean to covet after your neighbors possessions, and why it was so looked down upon* until I entered this season of my life.
The man preaching in the podcast also stated that “contentment is the direct fruit of having no higher ambition than to belong to the Lord at His disposal”. I think it is no coincidence that when I am less diligent about spending time with the Lord and seek Him less, I try to find contentment in earthly things and, as a result, find failure, insecurity, and doubt. When I focus less on His desires for my life, I tend to focus more on how other people or circumstances could make my life better. When I don’t put all my effort into falling in love with Christ every single day, I begin to romanticize earthly relationships and yearn for earthly things (mostly a man) to fill the God-shaped hole in my heart.
But only God can fill that hole.
I am an imperfect, disgusting, despicable failure of a human being. Yet He still loves me. He still wants me. He still sacrificed His Son for me. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me less. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more.
I am so unworthy but so incredibly and indescribably grateful that He will never give up on me. Never.
*I definitely do not mean to belittle or take lightly the Commandment that states not to covet thy neighbor’s goods. I simply said it that way for lack of better wording.
