December 29, 2011
What About Me?
What about me, Lord? When is it my turn?
I’ve noticed myself asking God those questions quite a bit lately. It seems like this is the time of year when everything falls into place for everybody… except me. When will my family not have to struggle with money? When will I know exactly what to do with my life? When will a man finally see me as something more than a friend, more than cute, more than some silly girl with a big smile, but as the most beautiful thing he’s ever lain eyes on, pursue me, and want to build a relationship I’ve always dreamed of?
Yes, I’m happy for all my friends who are blessed with financial stability, a set career path, a “soul mate” or a significant other at the moment. But when will I have that? When will I not have to fight for it?
I listened to a podcast a week ago from The Village Church. The speaker (not Matt Chandler, in case you were wondering) said it is impossible to truly be happy for someone’s success when you covet what they’ve gained. I never truly understood what it mean to covet after your neighbors possessions, and why it was so looked down upon* until I entered this season of my life.
The man preaching in the podcast also stated that “contentment is the direct fruit of having no higher ambition than to belong to the Lord at His disposal”. I think it is no coincidence that when I am less diligent about spending time with the Lord and seek Him less, I try to find contentment in earthly things and, as a result, find failure, insecurity, and doubt. When I focus less on His desires for my life, I tend to focus more on how other people or circumstances could make my life better. When I don’t put all my effort into falling in love with Christ every single day, I begin to romanticize earthly relationships and yearn for earthly things (mostly a man) to fill the God-shaped hole in my heart.
But only God can fill that hole.
I am an imperfect, disgusting, despicable failure of a human being. Yet He still loves me. He still wants me. He still sacrificed His Son for me. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me less. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more.
I am so unworthy but so incredibly and indescribably grateful that He will never give up on me. Never.
*I definitely do not mean to belittle or take lightly the Commandment that states not to covet thy neighbor’s goods. I simply said it that way for lack of better wording.
December 8, 2011
Doors Have Been Opened
I can’t get over how awesome God is. He is at work in my life and in those around me and I am SO EXCITED.
I can’t wait to tell you all about what opportunities have been handed to me. It’s all I can think about. It’s always on the tip of my tongue and it’s all I want to talk about. But I want to go about talking about it in the right way. I want to pray about it fervently. I want to research it until I know everything about it. I want to sort out my words so that I am not misunderstood in my desires, intentions, and thoughts. And I kind of want to set up a new blog devoted to this opportunity.
So, dear friends, (I felt like Beth Moore as I typed that), expect a new blog soon. I’m super excited about it.
November 9, 2011
Feelings
How great is it that our walks with Christ aren’t based on feelings?
Sometimes we feel disconnected. Sometimes we feel abandoned. But that doesn’t mean God isn’t with us.
Sometimes we feel happy and content in the Lord. But happiness is fleeting. True joy in the Lord is everlasting!
One day our lives feel bright and the next day we wake up and our lives feel dark.
We are an emotional people. We are always changing. We are inconsistent.
Our feelings are always dictating our lives.
But my relationship with Christ is not based on a feeling. Although I may feel like my life is rough, and I may feel deserted, and I may feel ruined, Christ still died for me! He still gave up His life so that I may live! My life is blessed, surrounded by God’s love and grace, and I have been made clean by the blood shed for me!
We are inconsistent.
The Lord never changes. He never falters. He stays the same through the ages. He is the ONE thing that will always remain.
Thank You, Lord, for Your consistency.
November 8, 2011
Ramblings
Things have been hectic lately. I’m pretty sure I’m getting overwhelmed by life because I’m not fully diving into the Word and focusing solely on the Lord and his desires. I’m getting caught up in my own problems and worries and thinking less about Christ and more about myself. I know how to fix this. So why can’t I? Why do I keep pushing my quiet times aside in order to “get more stuff done”?
Today one of my friends gave me a ride home after class because I didn’t want to walk in the cold. And when we got to his car, he came to the passenger side and opened the door for me. I stood there stunned for a second. “I can’t believe you did that,” I said. “I don’t think any guy’s ever done that for me.” He looked a little bewildered, shrugged, and said something along the lines of “That’s how it’s supposed to be.” There is hope! There are still gentlemen out there! Chivalry is not dead!
I was really hoping to spend the summer abroad in the mission field. I’ve been praying about it for months. I thought that’s where God was leading me. I told my dad I wanted to spend my summer in another country, and he is REALLY against it. I know that if it all worked out, my dad wouldn’t completely put his foot down and forbid it. But I would be uneasy the whole summer knowing that I was doing something of which he didn’t approve. BUT he gave me is “blessing” to go on a week to 2 week trip over spring break and/or summer. So maybe that’s what the Lord has planned for me? I’m so glad He’s in control and not me. And I’m also blown away by my father and my Father’s love for me. It is something I will truly never understand. It brings me to tears just thinking about it.
October 25, 2011
“He doesn’t seek, he finds.”
On the drive home from Bible study today, I saw a billboard that really got me thinking. It said “He doesn’t seek, he finds.” I honestly don’t know what the ad was for, but that phrase hit me in a couple of ways.
Firstly, the verse Jeremiah 29:13 (“You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.”) popped into my head. It made me evaluate how I’ve been living lately. Yes, I’ve been in the best place spiritually I’ve ever been in. But has my sole focus been on the Lord? Am I getting so caught up in living that I’m once again pushing the One who gave me Life to the back burner, as I’ve so often done in the past? Am I truly seeking after God’s heart? Or am I just going to the Lord when I need or want something that’s “out of my control,” and then trying to take things back into my own hands once things calm down? I sincerely and truly want my desires to be the desires of the Lord. I wish my thoughts wouldn’t get so clouded with earthly, materialistic, non-eternal things. But, alas, I’m human. I am not perfect. Thankfully Jesus is. And His blood makes up for my failures.
Secondly, that phrase made me realize just how sad and lazy we are as a society. “He doesn’t seek, he finds.” We celebrate brevity. We want immediacy. We are impatient. We want all of the results but none of the labor. We only want to find things, but we don’t want to look for them. You can’t plant a seed and expect the shade of a tree as soon as it is covered with dirt. The seed must be watered. It must be nurtured. When properly cared for, that seed will turn into a seedling. And with more time and sunlight and rain and protection, it will eventually and slowly become a tree. But it takes years of patience before that little seed can grow leaves and branches and provide fruit, shelter, and shade. We have to work for our fruit. We have to wait for it.
